my clever girl...

k&k are making an abc book for their future sibling... kiya is writing the words and khalid is illustrating... kiya's got A through T done. i love it so far! (i'll have to scan the drawings later)

stuff i like...

• our social worker... she's real. and she's also had pink and blue hair before, so she gets that whole define yourself with color thing i have running through my veins.
• the fact that my husband can look at me and know when my next brow waxing appointment is... he totally pays attention to all the little details that make up me. it's such a difference from the invisible girl i used to be, and i love him for seeing me.
• combing through khalid's hair... feels like love. taking the time to moisturize his hair and work through it so it stays healthy and looks good is well worth the time and effort. kids really do grow up way too fast, and soon enough i'll be missing those curls.
• my d20 earrings that are awesomesauce... i saw them spinning today in a mirror i was passing and they mesmerized me right on the spot.
• talking to kiya about middle school woes and realizing that i haven't forgotten what it was like to be a teenager... i believe this is what enables me to have realistic expectations of teens. i hope i never forget what it was like to have all that angst, now that i can use my powers for good.
• "M" and his sweet little face with big brown eyes... i see him whenever i'm sitting at my desk and he makes my heart smile.
• getting a massage every other week with my husband... thank goodness for people with skills to work out my sore muscles. SRSLY. what makes a person want to learn this craft and make a living touching others (i personally shudder at the very idea) i do not know, but these people are more amazing than my homemade candy bars.
• cayden's wild imagination that provides me with non-stop entertainment... whether we're robbing honey bear's bank, disguising ourselves to fool the entire world ('cause we are so good at it), making our own scary movie, tricking papa with mice and melty cheese bagels, or plotting to steal pillows from each other, i am never bored.
• the fact that i am getting a sit/stand office setup to help with my back pain... this is such a sweet sweet victory for me. i purposely (after much prodding and poking and building up and a bit of shoving by the husband and co-worker) went out of my comfort zone to request this much needed accommodation from my manager. i didn't shrink back and silence myself when the answer was no, i went to my doctor, got a prescription and BAM! that sweet setup is in the works as we speak. i can't wait. honestly. i'm smiling just thinking about it.
• my doctor... she is the absolute best. and i never thought i'd hear her say "your employer can kiss my hairy butt..." but oh yes, it was quite a delight i tell you. she rocks. hardcore.
• in a weird way, my misaligned pelvis... because honestly, at least i know why i have constant back pain now. and i can do something about it. so yay for answers and physical therapy.
• making new friends with people i've met on the internetz... at first glance we've simply got adoption in common, but as time goes on i find out more about these people and i'm amazed at all the things we share. it feels good to give and receive support with others on the adoption journey, because the road is long and if you haven't started down that road, you don't feel all the bumps that accompany each small step (which actually makes the tiny steps feel monumental).
• friends that offer to watch the kiddos so the husband and i can have a date night... i love to hold his hand and look into those pretty blue eyes of his. he's got a look that's just for me, and he gives it to me often, but on date night it never leaves his face. it makes him even more attractive to me... this is how the animal kingdom works too. plus colors. and you know how i feel about colors.
• 20% off on yarn and knitting needles... yes, this excites me. i will turn on that billy joel 4 disc boxed set and knit all night if i feel like it.
• spending time with "A"... i want the world for her. she reminds me of me, except she might be stronger. she has a big heart, she's full of life and she deserves only good things. i love that i get to be a part of her life and family. i'm thankful for the time we spend together and i will continue to devote my time to offer her as many opportunities as i can, and show her that she is loved and valued, and i feel honored to do so.
• my younger brother... he was my family when we lost everything and everyone else. he would do anything for me, as i would for him. he still thinks i'm cool, even when i feel like a loser. we have matching ink. 'nough said.
• dark chocolate covered almonds... how could i get through my worst days without them? you don't even know. neither do i.

moments of grace...

...i have them sometimes.

like when i let go of my need to think about all the questions that could ever be asked in a home study and just roll with it. i stop worrying about how i sound and just be me, and surprisingly the conversation flows and the social worker understands exactly what i'm talking about. pretty soon i don't feel like i'm sitting there being judged, instead i'm connecting with someone who is in a great position to help our family every step of the way. we finish and somehow find ourselves talking about hair. not braiding and beading, or different styles for kids. our own hair. and how it's such a huge part of our identity and can make or break our self esteem on any given day. fast forward another week to when kiya is in her room typing and the boys are power ranger-ing it up in the living room as the knock arrives at our door. whoah! the social worker and i have almost the identical haircut. say what? not only that, she has nearly the same curls that i do... we are cracking up laughing, because on top of all that, we both have a drastically different color than when we last saw each other. she likes the same music we do. she loved the night pirates in the nursery. she adored our gorgeous children (or at least pretended to). she talked to our children with ease and moved through our house like an old friend come over to explore. as i walked her out and thanked her, i didn't think twice about giving her a "drive safe!" call out usually reserved for close friends and family.

like when i strike up a conversation with brandon's mom at the t-ball game because our boys love each other and we adore our boys and so we have oh so much to talk about already. and i am beyond excited to watch my little guy, my sweet bug, get in there and hustle after the ball and throw it to first base, just like he should. and i can't believe this 7 year old that struts around the bases is the same little guy that once hit himself until he bled, the same little guy that went to early intervention pre-school and had an aide in kindergarten and still has an iep and loads of sensory issues. and i was so overcome with joy that i told this woman all about my sweet little bug and how far he's come, and i didn't think about whether or not she wanted to hear it. because usually that's what i do. i know that people don't like to hear about those things, partly because they don't know what to say, and so i'll usually keep that to myself. but yesterday i was so overjoyed that it all came tumbling out, and at the end of the game we picked up our boys and gave them hugs and talked about how we'll have many more great conversations in the games to come.

like when i see an awesome opportunity to put my craftiness to good use! i am *so* excited to be making blankets to support http://www.fovc.org/... check it out. it is a wonderful opportunity for me to pour some love into handmade blankets for children in rural ethiopia. i tried to see if "M" is in a village close to where they are going on the next trip, but he is not. there will be more trips, so maybe in the future i can make "M" a blanket... i would love that more than anything right now, for him to get a gift of warmth and from a family across the world who loves him. anyway, i've committed to make 10 blankets, and i've made 3 so far. i will take pictures of them before i send them off, and maybe i can convince lory to get a few pictures of the recipients of my blankets when they are delivered... i'm keeping my fingers crossed for that anyway.

i bet you thought i was going to go on... nope. i really don't have these moments all that often, and so there is no long list. just the three. that'll have to do.

that type of person

i'd like to be the type of person who is gracefully patient. instead i'm the type of person who has to fill any free time beyond capacity. i've taken to sewing, knitting, crafting necklaces, and other such time fillers.

i'd like to be the type of person who enjoys exercise and sticks to her best intentions and plans. instead i'm the type of person who would rather read to her 7 year old, be an active audience for her 13 year old's speech on none other than usher, assist her 14 year old with paper mache sugar skulls - and oh wow, you can make so many cool things with paper mache! in other words, do anything but exercise.

i'd like to be the type of person who doesn't waste any time on reality tv. instead i find myself terribly addicted to celebrity apprentice. not only that, but no matter how bad donald trump's hair is, i feel this odd connection to his soul, even through the tv. weird, huh?

i'd like to be the type of person who plans healthy snacks for the drive home and remembers to bring them with me in the morning on my way out the door. instead i find myself racing for the pringles and lemonade to tide me over until i get dinner made.

i'd like to be the type of person who can stand back and get amazing pictures at t-ball practice, since it is cay's first time on a team. instead i find myself jumping in and throwing grounders to each of the boys, trying my best to catch their return without getting hit in the face, and alas i have no glove. on the days when the weather is nice enough for them to take to the field and i'm not needed, i forget my camera.

i'd like to be the type of person who shows the utmost respect for my budget and takes the time to search the internetz for free items to upcycle and craft into wonderful gifts. instead i find myself driving with my husband out to various craft stores in search of the items i need *right now* to support my crafting and gifting endeavors.

i'd like to be the type of person who has the mental strength to wake earlier than the kids in the morning and have some reflective time and get myself charged and ready to go for the day. instead i am that mom that waits for little feet to come into my room, crawl in bed with me and snuggle for 10 more minutes while my husband makes coffee and brings it to me in bed. and then i need just 10 more minutes.

i work hard, i play with my kids, i dance with my husband, i read when i can, i craft all the time, i learn new things and teach them to others, and i'm very often too tired to be that type of person... i am just me.