small steps... hope with a bit of frustration and worry

so much, and yet not much at all in the scheme of life. funny how adoption does that to you. i was just reading a post by a fellow blogger i love, though i have not met her. she was talking about having such strong emotions. great hope with each small step, great pain with each set back. it is so true. we found out today that our fbi background checks came back clear and approved, so one step forward and my heart surges with excitement. and then we find out that my fingerprints were sent back by dhs because they were "too dark". which of course means re-doing the fingerprints for them again. blargh. good news: the do-over is free, the washington county sheriff's office is oh so close to work, and mailing holt only takes one day since they have an office in portland. bad news: the anxiety and stress of having to make yet another trip for fingerprinting and knowing that even a week's delay hurts my heart*... hence the frustration.
*disclaimer: i'm going to allow myself to have my heart hurt. we're going to be adding another person to our family, i think i'm entitled to the entire range of emotions i currently possess (and oh yes, i have a lot of them)... no matter if they make sense to anyone else or not. 

i keep reminding myself that our class is this friday and saturday. big step forward because that means we can then start our home study. holt did tell us that if we go get my fingerprints redone and mail them in, the dhs review only takes a week so we should be getting a case worker assigned within a week of completing our class. ok, yes i was prepared to be speedy with the updated set of fingerprints and this of course seals the deal with yet another super strong wave of emotion and a great deal of determination mixed in... hence the hope.

so because i want to end on a positive note, i'll throw in the worry first. so much in the ethiopian adoption process seems to be changing. of course it is for the benefit of the children and i absolutely support the positive changes taking place, especially since the end goal is really to make sure all adoptions are conducted ethically and without fraud. on the flip side, so much seems unknown and there hasn't been any information on how this changes the landscape of adoptions from ethiopia, timelines or anything. i know we have time to see how things work out, and i am doing my best to keep faith in the process. i know we chose holt because they are ethical and do amazing work in the countries they serve. i have to hang on to this when things seem uncertain.

and as promised, i'm going to end with positive news. sometimes i hang out on the holt ethiopian families in process site late at night, checking everything out. because i struggle with inaction, i started looking for various ways to support all the children in ethiopia who have so little food, clothing, and supplies; they need and deserve so much more. i found myself poring over the children needing sponsorship, and feeling like i wanted to sponsor them all. i was happy to read about the children who did have families and were living with their families, but the sadness of no income, limited food and no means to attend school was devastating. more than the few words printed, their eyes told personal stories of struggle and hope. i told danny that i really wanted us to sponsor a child. even though we can't sponsor them all like we'd like to, sponsoring one child feels good and right. danny and i decided we will sponsor a child, lovingly referred to as "M" for privacy, and it fills my heart with warmth and hope. and even though it is just a small step towards financial stability for "M" and his family, i do believe that small steps over time can carry us so far. and this is the thought i will carry with me tonight... our commitment to "M" and his family.