my teens talk about being bi-racial in america...

so i mentioned the fact that we finished our PIP classes, which is a big step towards moving forward on the next steps. what i haven't mentioned yet is how much i learned in those classes and how they affected me greatly. we talked a lot about transcultural adoption, bonding and attachment, losses and gains, the seven core issues of adoption, stereotypes, adjustment, parenting skills and resources, among other things. all of the information presented was done in a way that facilitated great conversations. we had activities that were thought provoking and meaningful discussions where we were able to share and learn together. one of the most striking moments in class was when we watched a video of adults who were adopted into a family of a different race. these adults were able to reflect back on all the changes, the experience they had and offer their thoughts and insight as to how they felt growing up in a family that was a different race than they were.

everyone is different; their personalities, their ability to adapt, their desire for change, etc. i understand this, and i do think it is important to keep this in mind when having discussions surrounding adoption, race, and well, anything really. as i sat through these classes, i felt a growing desire to run home and talk to my oldest two children who are bi-racial, half caucasian and half african-american. granted, my two teens are not adopted, they are my biological children, and so the feelings and experiences will be different. but as i sat in class talking about all of the resources available to families to preserve culture and heritage for their adopted children, the one thing that stood out in my mind was that there aren't a lot of resources for someone raising bi-racial children who haven't been adopted. maybe there really are, and it isn't as obvious to me because no one is presenting me with the information, but rather i need to go in search of it. this could very well be true. maybe that is how it goes because they (the infamous "they") assume that bringing children in to the world, those children will have the benefit of both parents and history and access to people and resources. oh how i wish that was true. what that thinking doesn't account for is that sometimes life doesn't work out how you imagined it would. sometimes you're engaged to be married, have a baby and pregnant with another, thinking life is ready to take off, but instead what happens is that the rug is pulled out from underneath you. and suddenly instead of planning a life together, you're making plans to be a single parent to two children alone without the benefit of a father who could provide insight into african-american culture and experience first hand. 

my favorite saying is "life happens". and so you go on the best you can and you make a new life that's different than what you imagined. and soon enough with two little ones, there is a lot of laughter. there are trips to the park and cuddles and story time. there are colors and shapes and learning as you feed the ducks and spread a picnic lunch out at the zoo. the best learning often happens while enjoying life... i have found this to be true time and time again. and of course there are scrapes and bumps along the way, there always are. but you move on. you live life and you do your best to raise happy, healthy, safe, loving children with morals and values that will benefit not only them, but the world... certainly everyone they come in contact with, possibly some they never even meet. you share your favorite books and poems, introducing your children to your favorite authors: neil gaiman, maya angelou, langston hughes, david sedaris... inviting questions and sharing all that you know and rejoicing when they teach you the new facts that you didn't know. you tell your children how beautiful they are, and remark at how many different colors we have in our family and how each one compliments the others. you learn how to braid and bead hair, you teach them how to create the "look" they want, knowing that you're teaching them not only a skill, but acceptance and patience (hair takes time to style of course!) you spend vacations outdoors, fostering a love of nature and freedom. you tell your children about your childhood mistakes in the hopes that they really will believe you when you say you understand. 

and then you sit in a class and wonder if you've given your children access to enough culture. do they feel slighted? do they feel angry? are they confused? are they already teenagers and somehow in the enjoyment and bustle of life, have you seriously blown it? these thoughts raced through my head, and on a whim the other night i brought out the video camera and asked the teens what they thought about life, specifically their life and being bi-racial in america.

and then they told me. there was no plan, as they had no idea i'd be asking. we hadn't discussed it previously and there wasn't time to prepare for the camera. and i was struck by how mature they sound for 13 and 14 years old. i was struck by their similarities though they'd be the first to say they are *nothing* alike. i was struck by their openness and honestly, something i've always enjoyed with them and possibly taken for granted. i was struck by their confidence, and their capacity for love. i felt my heart dance with joy. i've always been thankful for my children, each of them individually, but i also see how much love they have for each other. i see that they are a resource for each other, and i'm confident that when piper comes along we'll all make room and hold each other close. life happens.